A Dream......

I took a break today from my classes ......just to reposition my life which has gone haywire of late.
I tried to look back at my dreams that I had carefully nursed ever since my days of adolescence.
Few people might be knowing ...I had always wanted to do something in the field of music...although its kind of disparate with what i am doing now...and i dont really know if at all i have any exceptional talent in this..after all is there any place for mediocrity in this world?..All I know is music transports me to an altogether different world which is pleasant and happily free of all the miseries...That may well be one of the reasons I have been avoiding it all these years as it takes the concentration off my work. But nowadays I find it as a great source of solace whenever I am depressed. Someday I wish to do something about this dream of mine...perhaps that is what drives me for doing something special in life just to obtain a platform for unleashing my dream. I have rarely got what I have wanted from the bottom of my heart..This may well be the complaint of every other person...There are just a couple of days left for one of the most awaited exams of my life...and I should be slogging hard at this moment...i think i will do it...I am very good at procrastinating...but no..This time I wont let life take control of me...I would take control of my life rather...I have never lost faith in the Almighty , no matter how adverse the circumstances are...I know whatever He has been doing ..its for my good in some way or the other....How can I forget the story I had in my course in my school days "God sees the truth; but waits"-Leo Tolstoy....

The Hope

How I held onto the sight of the light , that gleamed far away;
It may well have been a mirage, but
was my last hope of survival;
Dont take that away from me,
How could I say that,
when it defied all laws of existence;
You ask me to bury those remnants,
Will you be able to return me those hours
which I spent weaving dreams,
Dreams that will remain dreams forever,
Those sleepless nights that I spent,
clinging onto that hope,
Can you return me the smile that
sprung from deep within,
Here I am turned into a living object;
If possible , return me those wee hours of the mornings,
when I stealthily crept into the temple to bribe Him,
pleading for your success,
Dont ask me to give up that hope,
Even if you do, I wont oblige,
Take away my life rather,
But that hope, it will survive,
whether I do or not!

And the pursuit is on....

Is it the pursuit of happiness??...strangely I am not too sure of it. But there is something missing..
and the search is on....sometimes I feel, whether I like it or not...shorn of this , life would be deprived of all its dynamism. Some of my friends say..I should bring up some lively topics in my blog...but sorry to disappoint u guys..whenever I am overwhelmed with loneliness...or by some means or the other, get to realise the worthlessness of my self...I fall back on this medium...hoping that somebody in this world would read it...and share my thoughts, or better still I think of it as the means of unburdening myself...there is a tinge of selfishness in this too, a'int it? after all "I" has always taken precedence over everything else in this world....I do have
many reasons to be happy....if I compare myself with the great multitude of people afflicted with poverty, bereavement,war, and what not....they are simply groping with the atrocities of life every moment...
then what exactly concerns me and wreaks havoc with my peace of mind.?...is it the blank spaces that Paulo Coelho mentions of ,in his protagonist's life....no clue as to that.I have tried most things...meditation, offering prayers ..to name a few..but if it was that easy to connect to one's soul ,all of us would have been saintly beings...but I am just another mortal treading this earth..hoping to leave a few footprints before I finally bid adieu....setting all this 'philo-talk' aside...reality is that, I am greatly agrieved whenever I am taken for granted...why doesnt the person whom I keep missing every moment, feel the same for me once in a while...it is said that souls connect to each other...but if it was so, things would have been the other way round...
perhaps loneliness is laying its cruel hands upon me, more so ,because I am away from home...away from my mom , who means the world to me....but there is a silver lining to it...
I have realised that keeping myself submerged in some work does help to keep all these negative feelings at bay..that is what I am trying to do right now...but then again...the mind keeps hovering , and the reverie takes its toll on me..there isnt an end to it..."It is a sin to to think ourselves weak"....so I will better make an attempt to refrain from commiting this sin and look up to Him to carry me through....

desperately trying to ferret out my lost self....

Well , today was ,what can be called a "bad hair day" for me ,both in the literal sense as well as in the idiomatic sense...
literal sense?? its kind of funny....but it has to be one of my most embarrassing moments...
One of my friends dragged me to the basketball court..to watch the ongoing match (sports tournament is in progress). While rushing my way out ,after sitting for half an hour....my unruly hair got entangled in the barb-wired fence!! I tried unsuccessfully to free myself...eventually , some guys helped me out....I was too embarrassed to even look up!
Before this incident, I was already too shattered ,after being presented with the lowest marks I have ever obtained in my life.......how can I become so slipshod with my career??...I am yet to figure out. Where am I lost? The ambitious girl I used to be in my school days....may be the sand dunes of Rajasthan(I have been staying here for the past couple of years) have engulfed me completely. Most importantly, the harsh realisation that nobody but I, myself is responsible for my plight stings my soul like anything....
Anyways the day is almost over...and midnight is here!! but no reverie here...I am bitten by reality...The indifference of someone does bother me a lot....I dont know what to say..whom to vent my feelings to...after all ,how long can I hold back the excuse that I am also just another human being...I too feel the need of my feelings being reciprocated, not being left to fend for myself, the need to be taken care of and being understood. I know people do have priorities, even I do have...but do human relationships really need be made scapegoats in this process...
I seriously do believe otherwise...why can't we be selfless once in a while and put ourselves in the other person's shoes ....And what about the good Lord up above?? Is He listening??